So I was watching the music video for Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson the other day, and I started thinking that this is what bards really should be like. Then I started thinking how you would go about turning MJ into a D&D bard.
Perform(Dance) is a given. Most of the effects in the film fit the bard spell list or perform abilities with some minor wrangling.
In order of appearance in the above video:
00:37 - Flare
Michael is such a show-off.
01:00 - Enthrall
I guess he has silent and still spell
01:20 - True Strike
+20 to hit the coin slot. Priceless.
01:30 - Mass Suggestion
02:52 - Song of Discord
They were probably going to hit each other anyway
02:56 - Charm Person
Charm a person by dancing with them! What a radical idea
03:18 - Improved Trip
Really a feat but what the hell
03:29 - Shatter
Notice the somatic component before the effect
03:30 - Rage
04:16 - Disintegrate
In a spell-storing revolver. Technically not possible though. Maybe burning hands? Or a human-bane weapon, if you're willing to let the whole corpse-to-dust thing fly. Maybe it's just an illusion.
05:35 - Sound Burst
Notice the long casting time. Shatters the window and stuns everybody. I guess stunning somebody is pretty effective. Or maybe it's the sonic damage.
07:45 - Light & Major/Mirror Image
It's not as cool to dance in the dark. These dancers are probably just illusions. No way that choreography is suggested.
08:23 - Mislead
Do Mirror Image and Mislead stack? Who cares.
Or maybe he just has a really, really high perform skill.
10:15 - Summon Instrument
What? It's a Chicago piano.
Some of these effects could be just high charisma or coincidence or whatever, but it was fun trying to find as many spells as possible. Besides some of the reactions are so over the top it's hard not to see them as the results of a spell.